Writer Keith
Chances are if you have air in your lungs or blood in your heart, you have seen a “Star Wars” movie. You could be the person who was dragged to the film and forced to watch it with friends, or you could be the basement-dweller who goes to conventions dressed up as Boba Fett. Either way, you know that the original “Star Wars” trilogy transcended the movie theater and became a cultural staple of the late ‘70s and early ‘80s. For those like me, who weren’t quite old enough to see the originals in theaters (my first “Star Wars” adventure in theaters was “Return of the Jedi”), we had to watch the originals on TV or VHS. I loved it. The TV trilogy marathon was a staple of our Christmas celebrations.
So, you can imagine my excitement when the movies were re-released in theaters. Finally, “Star Wars” on the big screen! The lights went down…the crowd went silent…then finally… “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” It was on!!!
Then about 35 minutes into the movie, I notice Jabba The Hutt. “He wasn’t in the first movie,” I thought. I was still happy though, but confused. It turned out that George Lucas thought he’d spice up the movie by putting in a deleted scene from the original with Jabba and Han Solo. One problem: In the original deleted scene, Jabba didn’t look like a worm and had legs. Another problem: Harrison Ford was 20 years older and they couldn’t re-shoot the scene. So in the re-release, Han Solo walks behind Jabba, going over his tail. I didn’t think it was necessary, but it didn’t hurt the three originals. Lucas saved that for the re-release of “Return of the Jedi.” He added a musical number in Jabba’s Palace called “Jedi Rocks” which featured back-up singers and some blue thing singing in gibberish. Suddenly, Jabba’s palace morphed into a combination of Chuck E. Cheese and karaoke night at some martini bar. Lucas said he did it for the fans. However, most fans I know were banging their heads on the wall. It seemed that Lucas was out to prove that if he slapped the “Star Wars” name on anything, he could add another wing to the “Skywalker Ranch” in California.
But we should have seen this coming. Do you remember the “Star Wars Christmas Special”? Lucas would like you to. Despite his efforts to get rid of all copies, it still lives on YouTube. Did you know Chewbacca had a family? I didn’t.
Then there were the prequels–the three movies that explained the rise of Darth Vader and the beginning of the Empire. People were so jacked to see “Episode I: The Phantom Menace” that they filled the theaters to see “Meet Joe Black” just to view the trailer! Then it came out. With the original trilogy, it took us a couple of movies to realize that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker’s dad. It took me about five minutes to realize that Senator Palpatine was going to end up the bad guy. Oh yeah, then there was Jar Jar Binks. Imagine a cartoon version of C3PO, except that C3PO was now a giraffe and was about 100 times more whiney and annoying. Lucas put Binks in two-thirds of the film and took the coolest new character, Darth Maul, and used him for about 10 seconds.
Then there was “Episode II: Attack of the Clones.” A movie mostly about the love between Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala. Thanks, George. Exactly what I want to see in a “Star Wars” film—a chick flick with CGI effects. This romantic story was so bad that when I overheard a complete stranger in the theater say “I love extra butter on my popcorn,” I believed it more than what I saw on screen.
When it came for “Revenge of the Sith” I told myself, “Even Lucas can’t screw this one up.” Anakin becomes Darth Vader and the Empire begins. I’ll admit, with the exception of any scene involving the romantic relationship from the previous film, this one was pretty all right. However, where Lucas again messed up was with the latest DVD version of “Return of the Jedi.” He “fixed” the last scene. Instead of Sebastian Shaw, the actor who portrayed the human ghost version of Darth Vader in 1983, it’s Hayden Christensen. If you are watching the films for the first time in the order they were released, Christensen popping up on screen makes no sense. It forces people to show the next generation of “Star Wars” fans the films in this order: Episode IV, V, I, II, II, VI.
So it seems, after 30 years, fans have gotten wise. This new “Star Wars” cartoon, with graphics that look like a 1994 video game, absolutely choked this weekend. It finished third on in its opening weekend. But still, Lucas has the last laugh. He can start fires with $100 bills for the next 1,000 years from the money that people like me have shelled out to him. All I ask in return, George…whenever you decide to release the Super-Duper Fantastic “Star Wars” box set, do us all a favor. Release the films in their original forms. It’s that simple. If not, you can expect my money not to go to a galaxy far, far away but stay in my wallet.
